too bad you live with your parents still
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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