I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
