the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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