No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Ketchup is God's man juice
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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