Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
