Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
