you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
