My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
