So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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