i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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