She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
