omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
