The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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