just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
