3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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