she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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