My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
