plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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