I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
