Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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