I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
