I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
