I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
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