I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
