I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
