i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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