yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
