I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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