im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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