She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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