You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
