My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
