I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I can't put those talents on a resume
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
