Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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