Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
