So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
