I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize