I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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