Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
