In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
found the other keg... it's in the tree
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
