The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
