im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
