i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
He is such a slut. More and more my type.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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