you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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