just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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