Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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