Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Randomize
