I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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