She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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