i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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