we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
