why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Houston, we have a squirter
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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