I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
