I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
