Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
